"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right..."

I just read over all my good news from the posts previous. What a downer this one will be. :(

This has been building up for at least a few months now. I wonder if we can be so happy in other aspects of our life that it outweighs the grief and frustration in another part of it?

If so, then it looks like my abundance of joy everywhere else is stretching thin now. It can only bolster me for so much longer.

Ever since our latest restructuring in my department I have become more and more dissatisfied with my work. The profession which I used to love so much has now become a job that makes me miserable. I can even feel it in my body; after 3 or so days of being out of the office I start to feel physically ill as I prepare to return.

I do not think I am one for such melodramatics so surely this must mean something severe.

Surely everyone else around me has noticed this? I have gone from the top of my game to rarely/barely achieving the minimum. And I know what it is: the office they have placed me in is sucking all the joy and pride out of my work. They say our office has low-morale and we must work as a team. Call me defeatist but this office will never work as a team. I have never experienced such a hostile office where backstabbers and artificial camaraderie surround you on all sides. It exhausts me.

Still, I have love and hope for our company. It's just that there is clearly no way I can remain and ever be happy in my current position. Therein lies the hugest problem. The solution is simple: transfer me to a happier, healthier work environment. But with the industry and economy being the way that it is I can't see myself finding a way out of here soon.

My patience is wearing thin. I so want to be happy again. Work should never make you cry, cause you misery on a regular basis. But fear of taking a chance keeps me under their thumb. No other companies in my field seem to be hiring at the moment, and even if they did I don't know if I would have the guts to make the move.

Last one hired is the first one laid off. My tenure at my company is precious at a time like this. Not infallible, but a little more secure than other situations I could consider.

On the other hand, my happiness should be a priority as well. Since I have started at this office little hints of my unhappiness have been showing without me knowing it. My best friend pointed out I have not gone dating in months. When I responded that I did not really feel like it lately she pointed the finger at my work situation. (What else can I call it but a situation?)

Highly probable.

Also, due to the scheduling in this office I have not had a chance to take any more dance classes or swim classes. Classes that kept me energized, satisfied, and happy.

Happy: such a simple word but there really is no better way to say it.

*sigh* How did I deserve to be put in this mess? I work my best for them and they toss me into the most miserable office as a reward, it would seem. Loyalty can only keep me bonded to them so much. I feel like a convict digging her way out of her prison with a spoon, covering it up with a newspaper. If things get any worse and a (somewhat secure feeling) prospect comes along I really think it would be in my best personal interest to jump ship.

All Clear

Yesterday was my annual checkup at the Tom Baker cancer centre. It has now been almost seven years since I went through my radiation treatment. Nearly seven years since my parotidectomy and the crazy carnival ride that ensued.

I haven't "achieved" the plans I laid out for myself as a little girl and I cannot figure out if this fact would upset me had I not had my cancer. Nothing seems to faze me now and I don't know if that's necessarily a good thing. I love my job when many others are looking for better paying jobs so they can have a better life. They wouldn't even consider my position if it were their only way of making ends meet...yet here I am content. I used to believe I would be married and have children by now but the more I get to experience life the more I am unwilling to start that chapter in my book. There is far too much I still wish to see, yearn to do, desire to try. Having kids with me or a significant other to factor into all my decisions would bog me down. Perhaps I would even resent it at the moment.

I am turning a "scary" age in a little more than a month. The number always seemed so old, so "locked down." I should be all grown up by now. Heh. Life is too good for that at present.

Oh! And if you didn't figure it out by my title; I'm FINE! They were a little concerned, as I'm sure they always are when it comes to cancer patients (am I still a cancer "patient?"), when they did my weigh-in and realized I had lost so much weight in the past year. But once I assured them I had lost the weight on purpose it was alllllll good. :D

"I can't fight this feeling anymore..."

A couple of months ago I had the great opportunity to visit Montreal for a weekend and I LOVED it. That makes two massive cities I have visited this year that I have adored. A stark contrast to my lack of heart for Toronto. People predicted, after hearing of how I dislike Toronto (I can't say hate since I have family living there. Hate is too strong of a word.) that I would have a miserable time in New York...even though I've been obsessed with the Big Apple for years. Well, I proved them wrong there. But although I had always wanted to see Montreal as well I was not sure if it would be as cold and uninviting as Toronto only en francais. Good golly I was pleasantly surprised. I have told several friends this but for once I have found a city that could possibly seduce me away from Calgary. And I'd still get to be Canadian, fantastique!

What I especially loved about Montreal was how easy it was to get around. I am a huge fan of great subway/metro systems and New York and Montreal were both marvelous. But Montreal's stations showed a little more care and maintenance. They were practically spotless and smelled immaculate, which was a bonus. I hate to say it but even comparing it to Calgary...I mean Calgary is a poor comparison but to think that Montreal is a bigger city and they are able to keep their trains and stations immaculate whereas here we disrespectfully leave newspapers and litter strewn about our public transit system that clearly has to say something.

Plus, and this could be pure coincidence, but I felt safe walking through their downtown streets at night. Wouldn't you know it, the same weekend I was away Calgary had 2 (or was it 3) homicides. Just "boom, boom, boom." It really made me want to shake my head. Here I thought Calgary's problem was it was getting to big too fast and was thus experiencing the growing pains that all big cities go through. Well if that's the case why was Montreal so pleasant and calm while my hometown was a gnarled, violent mess?! I don't think we can blame my city's problem on "big city issues" anymore. Clearly something else is bringing the dangers into our home.

The news of the past couple of days have made the feeling even more helpless. For those who do not know a young woman was abducted from her workplace by a stranger with a gun. The two of them then stopped a truck on the street and carjacked an old man. The guy then held the old man and young lady hostage for several hours while he sexually assaulted her. Luckily he let them go later that day while he fled on foot.

Then today the news tells us more details of how the man made the girl phone his (suspected) common-law wife and describe what he was doing to her.

It is like something from a sick, twisted movie all that is going on in my "fair" city.

I used to feel strong and independent. I would shrug off my grandma's overhyped concerns over my taking public transit. But when you hear enough of these stories...and on a frequent basis, no less...the unease clearly starts creeping in. On a few occasions I have had a sense of malaise when coworkers would leave for the day and I would be alone for the final hour or two of my shift. If something should happen to me in my office I have zero confidence that anyone outside would be able to help me. Or they would not even know I was in peril.

I still don't have major issues with transit. It still feels safe to me but Montreal was a definite eye-opener on how safe I could/should truly feel taking public transportation. There are still the odd occurrences going on. One night as I took the bus home I overheard on the driver's radio another driver calling in a missing young lady who had walked out of a hospital -- in a hospital gown -- and clearly ready to give birth. I'm not quite sure whatever happened to her but the odd inexplicable scenes like those come around a little too often now.

It's true what they say...

Lots of observations and pondering these days with not much "hands on" experience. But given everything that's been going on around me I'd rather stay out of the game for now.

I know of two people who have dropped the bomb on me that they have ended their marriages. One ended it years ago, that's how out of touch her and I have been. It's a shame, really. We now live in the same city and yet we still cannot manage to get together on a regular basis.

With today's divorce rate being as high as it is it shouldn't be such a shocker that they have joined the ranks of the separated. What piqued my interest/what was common between both their experiences is the fact that they both described their last months/years of marriage as living with a roommate or a good friend.

One was married almost 20 years before this "roommate" phenomenon occurred. The other was married...I'm tempted to say 5 years though I can't be sure.

With the first couple it was my friend who stopped the status quo. It's not that she was looking for a new partner, but she knew that this was a situation she did not want to plod through for another 20 years.

The second couple made the decision together. Almost as if they somehow knew my other friend, they sat down together and asked themselves if they really wanted to continue on with the life they had together. End the scene now or end the scene years down the road when they were older.

The great thing is, they are still great friends just like they had always been. I hate to be pessimistic but I have a feeling that they are some of the rare few who can maintain such a great relationship after ending such a major connection with one another.

And wouldn't you know it? My friend from couple number 2 recently got married to someone new! Since I didn't keep in touch with her all that well I cannot really compare how happy she was with husband number one to how content she is with hubby numero dos. But despite our lack of get-togethers I can already tell this one is different as she lights up more as she was telling me more about him.

She mentioned that in her first marriage they had known each other so long that it almost felt like marriage was just the "next step" in the common plan of what is expected of couples. So a question: If she did not realize that her first marriage was just a really strong friendship is there something present in her new marriage that makes her realize this time it really is "it?"

She tells me there is no doubt. Further still, she knew she had something amazing this time around almost the moment she met him.

I know it sounds all cliche but this friend of mine could never be mistaken for a romantic sap. So when she says something like that I cannot help but take her word for it. I guess there truly is some validity to that vague saying that when the right one comes along "you just know."

Not that I ever felt all doom and gloom but her finding someone that makes her so happy has given me some more justification in keeping my standards high. With other couples falling apart all around me I was feeling concerned that I would be doomed to falling into the same snares as so many others: tying myself up with Mr Not-Quite-Right-But-He'll-Do. Truth be told if I were to explain to others what I am looking for in a guy some of it would ring shallow or superficial. But I know myself and if he did not possess A, B, and C there would always be that little part of me left unsatisfied with the status quo and fretting that there was someone better still out there for me. That would not be fair to him or to myself and I'm afraid it would eat at me till it created a significant division between the two of us...and then I'd be in a relationship with a friend just like so many others.

I truly appreciated the dinner I had with my friend. She found the right guy and so will I. If a non-romantic can "know" that a guy is the right one then such a strong instinct must surely exist and is not some sort of concept that Hollywood and Harlequin invented themselves. I just have to keep my resolve strong to avoid making a mistake the first time.

"No" means "later."

Well, the inevitable has happened. My best friend is officially engaged, the wedding date has be chosen, everything is ploughing along.

She broke the news to me over the phone. It's true we rarely get to find time together anymore. Life gets in the way like that.

"Will you be my maid of honor?" she asked.

How could I say "no" to my best friend?! And thus, I fulfilled Civic's prophecy (albeit I fulfilled his prophecy but in relation to a different friend) since he pretty much stood firm on the fact that I would not be able to decline such an "honor" when it comes to a friend...regardless of how much I frown upon the relationship.

Talk about trust, huh? She wants me to be right beside her at the wedding knowing full well that if anyone were to say a peep when the priest asks "does anyone object to this union?" I would be the most likely person to speak up. I'm just saying.

But I cannot deny the fact that he has done well in becoming a part of his daughter's life, the same daughter for which he refused to take any responsibility in the beginning. As far as I know he treats my best friend well. They have become a family, despite all the speculation. He still smokes around my goddaughter and I know my best friend smokes a lot more often now as a result. That still frustrates me. What can I do? I'm just the godmother. But smoking aside, I think the odds are in their favor.

Seriousness aside, though, if I keep up my good work I'm going to be one sexay maid of honor. :D

Let's blog, shall we?

2008 has become even better still since the last time I raved about how awesome 2008 has been. I won some super shopping money in a charity lottery, so I think I will go spoil myself with a new gadget of some sort. I ALSO (not in the same lottery) won two tickets to Vegas. Fantastic! I hope to coordinate it with some free nights I have for Anaheim and get myself reacquainted with the Magic Kingdom (it's been over 15 years now) and get my Vegas on at the same time. Maybe even get to meet Mijo finally after all these years!

I am constantly shopping these days what with the transition in seasons and my need for clothes that fit and flatter. The summer clearances have been amazing and fortunately the items will transition well into the fall. I am now bordering on high-school-sized depending on the cut of the clothes. It is unreal.

It is sad to see the summer winding down. The days are shorter, the evenings are cooler, and weekday outings will become less frequent. I haven't even had a halo halo yet this summer!

Ze Great '08

A fantastic year thus far, to be sure. I have so much to be thankful for and thrilled about I could easily say 2008 has been one of my best years ever.

• Vegas, baby!
  
• New York NEW YORK
  
• 35 pounds lighter and still going! Slowly but surely...
  
• Fantastic family time in Alaska
  
• Montreal, here I come!
  
• I met and dated a hawt dancing guy so my confidence has been reaffirmed. (Although I still miss my brainiac not-so-social boy... it's nice to know I can play in the same league as the "beautiful people.")
  
• I got to ride in a helicopter. Woohoo!
  

I have seen some bloggers start up "bucket lists" and although I never like to follow trends I thought this was an excellent idea. I thought it would be easy to come up with 1000 things that I have yet to do and would like to do but I am having a bit of writer's block. I haven't even come up with 100! I thought I wouldn't put anything that I have already done on there but I've tossed them in since I would like to check them off my list (ie. riding in a helicopter). Hopefully at some point I'll have a substantial list to share with everyone but for now I'll keep it under wraps until I have developed it better. But this year has been so great for me I can't imagine not checking off more on my list in the coming months so it will be hard to keep the list long!