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Freedom of Speech Strikes Back or Introducing Guest Blogger Isaiah Washington  Y hello der! This be am Isaiah Washington, ex-star of Grey's Anatomy... Now now now lookee here. I knows I frightens you with my big black booming black voice, but do nots be afraids, I nots gonna kill you! I was a victim! I be bamboozled! I's here to shoot some brief shit with youse, seeings as how Deviant be too lazy to write now, on account o' his too busy sucking them cock, faggot! Oh noes, I didn't mean to call him a faggot cuz he gay! I meant faggots meaning happy!  Speakin' o faggots, what be up with Michael Lucas an' his entry on he mouth! That faggot be sucking too many cocks if he think we give a damn! Earlier he am write about Muslim's in Britain: "Great Britain actually has a recent history of granting asylum to Muslim extremists on the grounds that they didn’t have religious freedoms in their countries of origin. Blair reversed some but not enough of that. To which I say “Duh!!!!!!!!!”" Duh!!!!!!? Duh!!!!!!!? Thems be my Muslim bruthas mouth-faggot. I'm asalama lakemy boot up your dick hole.  Speaking o' Muslims; some white honky pussy faggots kicked out a Muslim man out o the government on account of they all be afraid of he booming black voice... Say what? He was Hindu? Fuck that faggot!  Speaking o faggots, God hisself hissed down and blew up a church in Baltimore! Woooweee, that church prolly full of fagg-- Oh no...what have I done? I'm sorry, I apologize... Update: Deviant has contacted Mr. Washington's people. We are sad to report that he will no longer be guest blogging here. Mr. Washington has been let go. We forced him to record the above PSA just to fuck with him. 3 comments • • • • •
Daughters of Eve or Roommate Woes Now all this talk about ex-gays, I do have to say that I believe the editor of Venus magazine--Charlene E. Cothran--is really a successful ex-gay. Why? Because women are deceitful evil creatures borne of Satan himself. While its virtually impossible for men to switch sexuality due to our testicles and massive amounts of pumped out testosterone-- --Women, being the deceitful harbingers of humanity's doom, can easily switch sexuality. One day you're a lesbian for life, and at 50 you just decide to be straight, and you mean it, harlot. It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve... Or let me clarify...it was Adam and...SATAN!!  You catch a gal on an off day and she'll just kill you. Case in point, look at the email I just got from my femme roommate! So, since I cancelled maid pro, and this [other maid we agreed on] is not available... please be sure to clean the kitchen & bathroom before I arrive home Tuesday night. I should be home by 10PM. Please first dry, then wet swiffer both the bathroom and kitchen floor. Clean the bathroom mirror, clean the base of the toilet and inside the bowl as well as the top . Please make sure the tub is clean as well and if needed switch out the linings. Did she really just write to me like I was her maid? I'm trying to be sympathetic because her mother IS suffering from major brain cancer...but guess who's jizzing in your organic milk tonight, bitch? ___________________________________ Notes Democratic presidential hopeful Bill Richardson called someone a faggot in spanish on Don Imus' show. Ouch! Another one bites the dust! Guess he won't be making it to the gay Democratic debates. Blogging the Three Stigmata of Palmer Eldritch, its my favorite K. Dick book! Mayor Jim Naugle's funny homophobic comments. He's the mayor of Fort Lauderdale! Its like if the mayor of Detroit complained there were too many blacks hanging out in too many KFCs in the area. Lady Bird Johnson has died. In other news, everyone on the internet has now visited Lady Bird Johnson's Wikipedia page. No seriously, who the fuck was Lady Bird Johnson? ___________________________________ 3 comments • • • • •
My Fourth Of July or AIDS Patience  I spent a glorious fourth of July out in Plainfield New Jersey in the care of two good friends of mine; my old neighbor friend Mr. Reality Show Reject and his betrothed, the large Puerto Rican mother of a man who I haven't given a nickname yet. Funny story; they're both HIV positive. Its very life affirming for me to spend time in their gentle care, and not because they are living with the HIV virus, but because they're a fully functioning domestic homosexual pair. Now when I say fully functioning--granted--I mean they function in their own special way. The huge Puerto Rican Mamma is exactly that. He patterns himself after ghetto grannies who would yell out their windows to their grandkids below: "HEY! DON'T YOU LEAVE THIS STREET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!" "SHUT UP!" Only difference between Puerto Rican Momma and real life ghetto grannies is that he yells out of his window to his two shitzus, that and they live in a respectable looking historic neighborhood and not in the Bronx. The big Puerto Rican Momma is an ex-hooker, and he tried his best to convince me to become a hooker. The funny thing is I almost bought into it, until I realized I'm probably too Jewy to be a pro. The pair cooked me and some neighborhood kids a lovely fourth of July barbecue, complete with deviled eggs and hot dogs (and queer jell-o shots of course), and I only had one pet peeve about the whole stay... Music selection! How important is background music to a get-together? I would say very much so, however, Big Ghetto Momma only had two choices as far as background music goes, and one of these choices is Reggaeton: Now you have to understand something, I'm from Inglewood, respectively "the hood" in Southern California. My senses have been finely honed to detect any sort of danger in the air, and while I didn't hear Reggaeton growing up, I have enough street sense in me to realize that the above SOUND means you are about to get your face kicked into your mouth by a giant metal boot at any moment. If you go to a party and they start playing this, then you aren't getting out alive. This fucking crazy Ghetto Granny has this music BLARING at level 11 of the speaker system, and he's bouncing like a possessed Dominican. That's not music, that's a trap!! His second musical choice was Amy Winehouse: Which isn't too bad, but by the 100th time that "Rehab" comes on following Reggaeton, you definitely will be ready to go to rehab. (Trying playing both embedded youtube clips at the same time and in full blast volume for a perfect rendition of this experience) Ultimately I left Plainfield and my friends in their slice of perfect paradise. They do give me hope that one day I will be able to be happy and settled in my own bizarre way. Don't worry, I made sure not to use either of their toothbrushes. Addendum: I'd also like to take this time to publicly apologize to Jase, not for outraging his boyfriend with my tasteless AIDS joke during Jase's birthday soiree, but for later texting him and saying I wished some of his friends would die of AIDS at the party. I did not mean this, I was unfortunately drunk and embarrassed. Had I been sober and respectable I would have wished his friends died of more comical diseases, like herpes or typhoid. I'm sorry. _________________________________________ Notes Mike Glatze answers his critics. Let's start this right now: Over/under 5 years, I'll take 50 dollars on the under, self-strangulation, classic rope tied to the ceiling bit. Ante up now. The NAACP publicly buried some nigge... Oh shit, I'm sorry! I misread! To be fair, I did find a reggaeton mix that I like: here. Its infused with some hot arabic flavor, and I do admit the singer is pretty attractive for a minority. _________________________________________ 5 comments • • • • •
Michael Ex Gay Glatze or The Movement of Ideas and Bullshit I've tried to keep a certain level of anonymity in this space, but something deliciously devilish occurred today relating to my past. Mike Glatze, former managing editor of XY magazine before I took the spot for a brief while, and co-founder of YGA Magazine, has "come out" as a reformed gay man. Read his essay here and of course immediate bitchy gay reaction here. I don't want this to sound like an obituary, but it can hardly be helped. I only knew Mike Glatze and his partner Benjie Nycum through email correspondence. I worked with them to put together the second edition of their highly acclaimed survival guide. The two had flown the coop to Canada, and I do have to admit I was a little envious of them. They were cute, young, in love, and successful at speaking their minds over various media. More on Mike Glatze's XY days here. Full disclosure here, while I respect Glatze's work, I was slightly exhilarated at the news of his mental/spiritual breakdown as he was sort of a professional rival. We'd been keeping a close eye on him. But, after some heavy pondering and several drinks later, I realize I'm touched by this news. It isn't exactly sad. Its like seeing a person cut themselves in public. You know they'll regret doing so, and you know their next few days will be ruined because of it, however you can't exactly stop them. Wayne Besen comments on ex-gay editors. Mike strikes me as the kind of person plagued by extremes. Either you're gay and in your face extreme about it, taking pictures with your boyfriend, writing about being gay in magazines, or you are newly born straight and EXTREMELY anti-gay. In other words...Mike is a drama queen. I want to hope that Mike's transformation will bring some good to people, meaning I hope he preaches morality, the good side of faith, and I hope he teaches kids to listen to their parents... Unfortunately I know better. I know the things he'll say will be damaging to young people, and I know the people behind the ex-gay movement are not only seriously delusional but they are also borderline sociopaths. Telling a person to deny themselves their sexuality is akin to telling a person to starve themselves, to not breathe air, to withhold taking in water; it is even worse still because the people you are preaching to are susceptible to your demands. It is severe cult mentality. People wonder whether you can change your sexuality, which is the wrong question to ask. A person is capable of killing himself, of ENDING his or her life, which is one of the most unnatural things imaginable. If some of us have the capability of convincing ourselves to end our lives, then it just goes to show that you can talk yourself into anything if you're susceptible enough. You have the ability to deny your nature. That is what makes you human, but it is also what makes you sick. After all, people around the world choose to not eat, choose to murder their children, and choose to not listen to the chemical reactions in their body. It appears though that Glatze is going through a crisis many people face in private, but he's in the unfortunate position to be exploited... And I wonder if he didn't feel just as exploited when he wrote about homosexuality. ... You know, 20 drinks later, Michael Glatze doesn't even register on my care scale. I mean, just put this into global perspective, every day you've lived countless people have realized they are gay, realized they just talked to Jesus personally, realized they are in love with their mothers, realized they have a drug problem, realized nothing matters and offed themselves. Realizations are what you make of them, and more power to Glatze's personal realization, but I and countless other people will be there to counter any bullshit that is spewed. And to this effect, I have to address Mike as the grown man that he is, as the man that made his own choice and wrote his own words. Mike Gratze, I hope this god you believe in grants you all the joys you were not able to find on your own in your own pathetic life. I also hope you continue down the path of ridiculousness, so that everyone who listens to you errs on the side of reason solely to be in opposition to you. I hope your opinion on homosexuality continues to spew forth from you like vomit, because the more you speak, the more rational our country will become. Ironically, in this way you'll do more good for gays now than you did when you were pro-gay. Having said all that, I can see how homosexuality can be perceived to be bad for you when you end up like this: Why do you say that like it's a bad thing? 9 comments • • • • •
Georgia or My Trip To Atlanta  Yes the rumors are true, yours truly had a very quaint business trip to Atlanta recently. I adore business trips! I've been on several and they never fail to impress. It was a business trip that introduced me to my first love, New York, and it was a business trip during this last Pride festival that introduced me to a new pleasure, the Hot Atlanta 2$ Sangria special.$$ Several of my comrades and I landed in Atlanta for the Electronic Educational Expo ("I'll learn ya good!") but little did we all know what surprise awaited us... "You staying at the Wyndham? Ooh well you do know that its Gay Pride and that that Hotel is the MAIN parade area!?" exclaimed my outgoing coworker's outgoing mother. "Well, there won't be a shortage of liquor then will there!" I said as I winked to my straight coworker who gave me a sheepish grin. We reached the Hotel and sure enough it was fag central! Skinny boys in shorts, skinny boys in tanks, skinny boys with really awful gay haircuts. If there's one good thing to say about gays, is that we're skinny god damnit. My boss and coworker, both straight, hauled our luggage up to the elevator. My straight coworker could be mistaken for an alterna-queer, and my boss was the spitting image of my big lovable french daddy, so it was with trepidation that we stepped into the elevator with the sloppiest sluttiest queer couple I've ever seen... You know the type, one is really young and would look really hot if he hadn't waxed off his eyebrows, and his hubby is a little too old to be dressed like THAT. Right off the bat I got hit on by the couple. Granted they waited till my coworker and boss departed the elevator. "You staying up in that floor all by yourself?" The younger one cooed. "Yeah! Looks like it." I said. "Not for long!" The older one said, and they both giggled. I can flirt really well, but I can't make the move from "hello" to "lets go up to my room and stick dicks in our ears" quite as suavely as most people can, so we just exchanged some small talk and they ran off. So much for sluttiness and gonorrhea. I mainly hung out with Matt(s) who I think I can link to here but you can't be sure since they're always deleting profiles and starting up new blogs like they're in the witness protection program. Matt(s) and I had 2$ sangrias. They drove me around Atlanta drunk, and we played virtual bowling at the local dive drunk. They drove me home and I swear that one of the Matt(s) was driving while sleeping...and drunk. We spotted a white woman hanging out with a large black man on a balcony, and I told the boys "looks like someone's getting raped tonight!" Only I realized that I didn't so much say that to the boys as shout it out the driver side window loud enough for the couple to hear and look at our car. We sped off. Atlanta Georgia has three very interesting things going for it: a lot of white people, a lot of black people, and a parkway named Bobby Brown. Driving through the historical portion of the city revealed many old cottages and large luxurious houses which resembled plantations. You could hear the slave bells ringing dimly from the past. I looked out over my Hotel window onto the street where the main Pride route would drive through in the late afternoon, and I saw the whites and blacks mingling in a modern Atlanta, the international hub of the south. It was a beautiful site, and a beautiful city, its just too bad that all the people there are inbred. ___________________________________________ Notes In and Out's Secret Menu This is like finding out about the Konami code....ONLY IN REAL LIFE! ___________________________________________ 3 comments • • • • •
4th of July What better place to spend the fourth of July than in Jersey...Plainfield Jersey. Murder capital of Jersey! Between this and my business trip/Pride visit to Atlanta Georgia I'm pretty sure I'll end up spending New Years in Baghdad. Happy Day off! 5 comments • • • • •
Irritable or 8 Facts About My Sick Life I just caught a super late flight from Atlanta Georgia last night, so I'm dead tired. However, David tagged me with a meme...so I feel I should comply because David is going through some very excruciatingly hard times. That's right, he broke up with his boyfriend. A moment of silence please. David is embarking on a remarkably stressful situation that most of us will never go through... the BREAKUP of a relationship. I'm sure nobody knows what that feels like. Alright let's get to it: EIGHT RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT ME First, the rules: 1. Post the rules before you begin your list 2. List eight random facts/habits about yourself 3. At the end of your blog, choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. Hmm...as far as memes go this is a pretty suck-ass one. Though I'm pretty tired and irritable right now, so I might as well suck ass. 1) I once faked an illness in order to get out Karate lessons. It worked so well that I extended this illness to miss most of my sophomore year of high school. The illness involved uncontrollable gagging. I was sent to a psychiatrists once doctors realized nothing was wrong with me. 2) I was notoriously shy and completely introverted while in middle school and through most of my childhood. I now find myself to be quite the opposite: noxiously outgoing. 3) I once gave an appallingly patronizing salute to a legless Vietnam war veteran because he wanted some change from me, I refused to give it to him, and he started yelling at me. I don't think I regret doing that. 4) I have flat feet and knock knees. I can't see very well and I'm probably going deaf. 5) I knew I wanted to be a writer when--in 3rd grade--I entranced a room full of my peers with a story I wrote about a doctor who had turned himself into a fly. The story was based on a picture that was given out to all of us. The end twist in the story was that his rival colleague had turned himself into a giant spider. 6) I will eat any food, except raw radishes. They make me gag. 7) My grandma once administered a pill rectally to me...I have no idea what THAT was about, but she's in a home now because she has dementia and Alzheimer's...so justice is served (?). 8) When I was a kid I once picked up the neighbor's cat, flung him around the air by his tail, and threw him as far as I could. The cat landed on his feet, came up to me, and promptly scratched me in the arm. I never told anyone this occurred except for you all. Aye that is it. Hmmm I'm tagging everyone who is reading this btw. Yeah that'll work! I'll write more about Atlanta Georgia and its fine tradition of poisonous fried food tommorrow. Tonight though...this next one goes out to my old friend David, giddyap! 8 comments • • • • • |
 noun. One that differs from the norm, especially a person whose behavior and attitudes differ from accepted social standards.
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